"War ruined my life"

Donetsk is my native city. I was born there and lived there all my life. My husband and I had jobs. When the war broke out, I was on maternity leave.

We lived in Petrovsky District, which is one of the most dangerous areas. I didn't want to live. But I was concerned about the children. My son was one year old and daughter was seven years old. 

My husband literally pulled me out of Donetsk, said, "Let's go to my parents." My parents stayed in Donetsk.

We lived in the village. I did not adjust to such conditions at all. I had a constant desire to return home. When we lost the hope to come back at all, I told him, "We need to make a final decision, because being unemployed and waiting for something inconceivable that..." So we decided to move to Mariupol. 

Needless to say that it was difficult at first, because my husband could not find a job for a long time. I couldn't come to work either  because I had to take care of a small baby [a year and a half]. Furthermore, I haven't quit my job in Donetsk yet. We still hoped that we would return.  But when our company branch was relocated to the territory controlled by Ukraine, I realized that I would not return there. 

It's a pity that this situation happened in my city. We had to leave everything behind, constantly worried about something, broke our plans. And had something really excited planned.

The younger child did not understand this, but the older girl missed her grandmother, her grandfather, and her friends.  She was stressed for a while because she had to change four schools.

When the armed hostilities started in Sloviansk, we watched the news on TV. And somehow I couldn't believe that we could have such a thing.

Many people in other areas watch the news. Then we apprehended it this way – we would not be affected. And when the first bombings started and it became scary, we realized that this is real, that this is war.

I remember the very first bombing attack, when a bomb was dropped from an airplane in the area of the mine on Petrivka. A rumbling noise followed, and then an explosion happened. We are about ten kilometers from this mine, but it was very loud. We didn't understand what it was at first.

The next bombing stuck in my memory for a long time. Our village was bombed using Grads. We live in the private sector. There were no damaged houses along our street. It was so horrible.

And then we spent every day already waiting for something bad to happen. We grabbed children and ran to the basement. Although we realized that the basement would not save us in case of really reavy attack. 

So I had to leave because of this constant fear for my life. I was not even worried for myself. I was terrified for my children. They were so afraid. We feared that we were going to die, that's all.

We went away for a while. We thought it would be over and we would come back.  We left in July for just a couple of weeks. We left most of our staff there. And then, when we arrived and survived several bombings, we decided to leave. My daughter had to go to school [Grade 2]. 

I wish that everything would come back to the way it was before. But how is that possible?" I don't believe it any more.

My mother got sick and died two and a half years ago. Dad is alive. We never talk about her death at all. I do not want to so him to feel bad about this. We meet periodically. He sometimes comes over, or we visit him.  He always says, "You will only come back here when this is all over." 

My brother and his family moved into the blue to Minsk Oblast with their children. They had no friends or relatives. We left for Mariupol even though we don't know anyone here. All these wanderings in rented apartments…  We are thinking of getting our own housing here. I do not know though if we will return to Donetsk.

I dream of having my own place to feel free. I want to live a full life. To be able to go somewhere, to travel, to relax.

When we arrived here, my husband was not able to work. We even thought about going back, but we pulled ourselves together, and it worked out. Now I work and my husband. I have permanent, stable income. Children go to school.

Sometimes we think that some people do not appreciate what they have: that they have their own house, stability, routine. They don't understand how difficult it is to quit everything and move… For some reason, they are angry here. They don't want us here. They are convinced that we would bring some problems for them. They believe that we get some benefits and they are simple neglected by the authorities. And I wish to change places. Maybe then they would appreciate their life more. 

The war broke my life. It took away my five years of normal life. And this torn period is betting bigger every month, every year. I live a life that has been snatched from me.